Dear Judi,
I feel such a deep sadness at the thought of us all losing you. We may only known each other via the CB ~ but I recognize what a special person you are. I am grieving for the loss of your long term future ~ a future that you should have been part of. I feel angry too that you may not be here for much longer amongst us all.
And yet, I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here, but I DO think you will be present. It won't be in the way you had wanted. It won't be in a physical sense, but I do believe you will be present in a spiritual sense. Regardless of people's religious beliefs I don't believe that when we die our soul / life energy just disappears. You have tenacity, will power, determination and above all a love life. So it is my belief that you will be present but in a different way. And I suspect that in the future, if we allow ourselves a quiet moment, and focus very hard ~ we will feel your presence. We will know you are there with us in spirit, and also willing your family and beloved cats to go on, and sharing those glorious moments in life that are their major stepping stones.
I have lost several people I truly loved to cancer ~ and once the grief had subsided enough to allow me to be calm and feel again, to be aware, to listen to my internal tappings ~ I knew they were there for me. I also know what they would answer if I asked them a question - so they can still give me advice. Whether my knowing the answer is because I knew them so well that I would know what they would answer, or whether they are communicating with me in some deeper way is not clear. But I would know the answer just the same ~ that's for sure. I am sure if your family ask you for advice in the future, and then listen to their own tapping, I suspect they too will know what you would advise.
Once we love someone ~ they never disappear from us save in the physical sense. They are part of us, sometimes genetically, sometimes in our heart, or soul. They are there for ever. You never forget someone you love because they are such an important part of your life, they never fade from your memory, or get banished into history - they do find a still quiet part of your mind and your heart to inhabit. A place where you can think of them often, but with less pain and more joy. A place where you can recall the wonderful happy times and enjoy them - and yet not forget the sad, missing them times either - and yet be able to handle it.
We won't lose memories of you either Judi. They are scorched into our minds, our heart and our souls. (It has been over 20 years since I lost one of the people I loved most in the world - and the memories are still fresh. They still make me cry some days - and make me smile or laugh or feel warm on others. I can still recall our shared memories in full eidetic colour. And sometimes, like a precious gift from beyond the grave, a newly recalled memory will emerge from the mists of time, something long forgotten, triggered by an event, or something someone said or did. And I will carry the newly remembered memory around in my heart all day like a precious trophy. And folk will keep asking me why I am smiling - and privately think I’m a little crazy. And maybe I am).
There is no time frame for grief. Each is different. As different as those that we love and lose, as different as each of us are. We cannot rush this process, we cannot make it happen, we cannot stop it happening either.
So time will heal - but that does not mean forgetting, or repressing, or denying, or no longer missing, or no longer feeling pain. It means remembering just as much - but from a place of calm - even if at times a calm despair.
So although the future is not the way you'd thought and hoped it would be, you will not be gone, you will just not be physically present.
Be happy dear Judi. My sincere condolences to you. I'll always remember you and you will have a part of my heart all to yourself.
Love Jan (Milo and Alfie's mom). xx
